Monday, April 14, 2008

Stupid Theory of the Day

Ok, I’m sorry to break the narrative thread here, but I just had to comment on the newest Zombie Creation Theory. Granted, the “scientific” community has already forwarded a number of wonderful theories for our existence, such as:

* mold spores
* hormones and food additives
* heaven being full (okay, that one wasn’t cooked up by a scientist)
* first person shooter games
* syzygy (the straight-line alignment of three or more celestial bodies in a gravitational system) Apparently the Earth, moon, Pluto and of course the sun were all in alignment a week before Dallas Jones went undead. I actually like this theory).
* global warming
* subliminal messages in downloadable mp3s (what?)
* Apocalypse (Not from a scientist either, although the Rev. Nathan Mather sometimes adds “PHD” to his by-line).
* childhood inoculations
* Halle Bopp

And the latest and greatest:

Microwaved food

Yes, friends, I walk the earth because of generations of Williamses before me eating microwaved food. According to Dr. Andrew Coti, the microwave alter foods’ DNA, which in turn altered my grandparents’ DNA, then my parents, then mine, and the cumulative effect of all this DNA altering is that me and my dead pals get to live after death.

You know, it isn’t even that I find this theory implausible (though I do) it’s just that I’m so sick of every lab jockey with a test tube rushing to judgment about us after a half-baked (or half ‘waved, I guess) experiment. Rather than rushing to market with your latest, mostly theoretical science project, why don’t you spend some actual time and brain power trying to figure out what really makes us tick?

I wonder what would happen if we ate microwaved brains?

What are some of the zombie creation theories that you have heard?

49 comments:

oOMermaidBubblesOo said...

well i was reading this book an it said somthing about zombies being more mobile the more love they have so maybe it was because you all loved some one r something b4 u died an came back to b with it. o well just a theory maby im wrong but i like it more than the microwave thing (btw how could yer grandparents eat microwaved food?)

bookluvr44 said...

I think that you guys (teens) came back from the dead because you didn't get the chance to really live your life. You were all young when you died and didn't really get to do anything in life. I think that coming back was a gift or a second chance for you to live your lives to the fullest. Do you get where I'm going?

Tommy Williams said...

oomermaidbubbles--
I like your theory. I think it would be just as true for the living.

Microwaved food is pretty gross--except for popcorn, maybe. And to be honest I used to love microwaved burritos.

I know, pretty gross.

T

Tommy Williams said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tommy Williams said...

bookluvr44-

I'm really glad you posted what you did. I'd like to think that most of my fellow zombies would approach their new "life" in the same way, and I hope this blog will help encourage them to do that.

Also, I think living teens would consider what happened to us and start "living their lives to the fullest" today rather than wait for something magical to happen so they can start. Life occurs today, right now, and not in some imagined future. All of us, living or dead, need to be aware of that fact at all times.

T

Nykii said...

I've heard some people blaming the new fad of witchcraft in pop culture. Y'know - teens are now dabbling in necromancy or something.

Pfah. Everyone should know that necromancy is usually worked by Divine means instead of the Arcane... just ask any D&D-playing kid.

...maybe it's Mathers's doing. Bringing us back so he has something to rant about and sell books to get a lot of money. Ha.

zombiepower said...

Eating microvaved braines? hahah,
sounds yummy. ;)
I'm just kidding.
maybe
<.<
>.>

Anonymous said...

ok, so these are real scientists coming up with this stuff? as in went to college, got a job in a lab and is paid for their work scientists? have goverment funding, endless supplies and resources scientists? the ones we pay our tax dollars for in the belief that their discoveries with benefit us? god, is this country a joke or what? the undead teenagers here might have a better grasp on reality than these boneheads!(no pun intented, i swear to god!)

Keira said...

Maybe your here so that you can help the world see that your not a demon or anything that thay call you plus your mom needs you too so maybe god see's that you still have things to do before you really leave us for good but thats just what i think

Mackenzie said...

isnt there like radiation in microwaves or something?? i doubt thats true, but maybe...and how is global warming gonna cause DB-ness? like, what?? but what do you think?

Tommy Williams said...

Nykii--Interesting theories. Very interesting.

ZombiePower--They aren't. They're kind of drippy.
Just kidding.
Maybe. ;)

Anonymous--Crazy, huh?

Keira--You make a lot more sense that the scientists.

Mackenzie--it doesn't make much sense to me, either. Another theory I've heard is that there are more holes in the ozone layer around the earth than before, and that maybe these holes are letting in some weird space radiation that is causing the db phenomenon.

T.

Diana Disastrous said...

basically. i think its just magic.
or better yet your too young to young to die. you still have a whole life/dead life/undead life ahead of ya'll

mina9112 said...

microwaved food? yes, because there are radiations pouring out from them. sure. that's hilarious.

Camilla Price said...

I agree with a few people on here already, mostly. I think teens are coming back because they still have something to do. It's the whole "I want to do _______ before I die" and they don't get that done. How this relats? Teens are alot more stubborn then adults, so we're willing to give up peace for that one thing. And why it doesn't work with children or adults? Because children havn't gotten stubborn enough yet, and adults have learned not to care that much.
Make sense?

Britt said...

i can't believe that they seriously think microwaved food!!! thats perposterous...honestly in my opinion maybe it just wasn't your time so you're getting a second chance go Tommy!

xoxo,

brittt

Gwendylin said...

I think it has something to do with wishing and a kind of magic. I think that before some people die that they wish for happiness for a loved one (friend, family memeber, etc.)and I think that, that wish is granted by them coming back as zombies because that is a way to give happiness to their loved one. It's just a thought and believe me it sounds so much better when I am just thinking it and not writing it down haha.

caitie cat said...

THOSE R THE STUPIDEST THINGS I'VE EVRY HERD pardon me but y does it matter we r all humans dead or alive...y cant we all just have equal rights...i kno alot of ppl will disagree but y the heck does it matter what makes u tick i dont mean that in an offensive way!!!!! but y do they think just cuz ur dead that ur any different...

Tommy Williams said...

Crystal Light has left a new comment on your post "Stupid Theory of the Day":

Dude my cousin ate microwave food and he didn't come back. But he is buried quite deep. I think I should check on him. Bye

said...

well ive heard that some kids that have done something wrong or have wanted to to tell someone something or sometimes when people love you enough and want you to stay in life thats when you come back but thats just a theory...

Anonymous said...

rofl!! those reasons made me giggle! what does microwaved food have anything to do with anything! whoeats that anyway?

hot-grace7 said...

well actually tommy i was wondering what you eat. i dont recall you sucking on human brains in any part of the book.
isnt that what zombies are supposed to do?

Melia Sabine said...

My younger cousin claims that the stork is getting pissed that kids that he left not to long ago end up taking a dirt nap, so whenever he finds one, he wakes them back up.

Of course, my cousin is ten, so he didn't quite say it like that.

-Melia Sabine

xPurpleNinjax said...

i was told that we came back to life b/c at the end of our death there was a sign of love or hope that was there when we died and or were dying... by the way i would watch angela she is starting to act sketchy

Luna said...

My god, are people just handing PHD's out to everyone these days? How will microwavable food cause the dead to come back? THese guys are idiots thought they amuse me very much. I personally liked the planets aligning theory the best.

Pipster said...

okay, here's what I think (at first i was just ranting, but then it started to make sense)
the world is beginning to become overpopulated right? and our government has been trying to make those numbers go down. but apparently some teenagers just can't keep it in their pants for a while. (jk, some of them can) anyway, think about this. we all get vaccinations right? for stuff like polio and idk what else. but is it really crazy to think that maybe they inject some serum into us that causes teens to stay functional (sort of) after we've died. and with the population climbing at this alarming rate, it makes sense. teens die, and bada-bing-bada-boom, no babies on the way. those parts won't work anymore (i don't think anyway). and maybe that's why they don't do anything when "white vans" come by. they don't want people overpopulating our planet, they don't want zombies overpopulating it either. it could all be some government conspiracy! taking place right under our noses (or technically, our skin) it makes sense right! right!

and if I am being paranoid, can someone please start a support group for this kind of thing?

living_impaired said...

I actually heard quite a unique rumor recently. You know how only adolescents hear that really screechy noise. well, I heard teens are using it as ringtones so they can sneak cell phones in class as the teacher, being older, cant hear it. Well, what if, if all these teens around the world are using it to be sneaky and such, what if those sound waves help wake the dead.

feetsing615 said...

Personally, I don't see why it matters HOW you came back, all that really matters is that you DID come back.

Oh, one more thing (off topic): My friend and I have a bet going. She read the book first, and (in true Rebecka fashion) thought you were hot (I, of course, thought 'oh, crap, he's gonna be like Edward Cullen was a week ago'). Well, I read the book, and thought you looked like Jasper Hale, one of the vampires from the Twilight Series ('Cept with paler hair, and with blue eyes (Like Jazz probably had before he was changed)). She says that's ridiculous. PLEASE give us resolution!

g.deadcatzluver said...

I agree with bookluvr44, that if you were really loved you'd come back. But it has a hitch. If the zombies were loved so much, why do some zombies' parents, friends, ect., drive them away? It might be because they have unfinished business here on Earth, or given a second chance to live a better life(or after-life).Take Dallas Jones for example, he was robbing a store when he was killed and then came back. If he didn't need to redo something, I don't know who does.

Xx*lonleyraven*xX said...

wow, just been reading these comments, and I definitely think those scientists are just trying to get teens off every thing that could possibly have a bad effect on us. I mean, first-person shooter games??? Adults have been trying to get us off those for AGES!!! Some of them seem plausible, but every body knows microwave food isn't the healthiest...

Grace said...

It's them darn kids with their rap 'n roll music! I always said it was loud enough to wake the dead!

But in all seriousness - WHAT? Some of those theories are pretty bizarre, and I guess people really have it in for those video games.I do remember being really little and my mom always warning "Don't stand too close to the microwave, or you'll get radiated!" Heh.

But I agree - this needs to be researched properly.

Anna said...

I think it is the secound chance for love. Anna's out peace.

hopeless romantic said...

Maybe it's because you haven't fufilled your purpose. Maybe you haven't done what you were born to do...what you wanted to do. It's a chance to do what you weren't able to in the first life. It's a blessing really.

Cassie said...

Today during English class, my teacher, who is a hopeless romantic, kept going on and on about how she thinks you all came back to life because you've never been in love. She was saying how everybody deserved to find somebody they truly loved so in the afterlife they won't be alone. I guess it makes some sence because you feel more alive when you feel love.

April said...

I'm thinking the scientists need a life...

April said...

Oh geez. I said "scientists should get a life". Zombie innuendoes.

Animedeathscythe said...

My thoughts border more on a spiritual level or just plain cooky:)

I've always believed it was the connection we had with the living.
Sort of like an invisible string that ties us together. The connection with your loved ones anchored you back? Or maybe some Divine Being didn't feel it was your time to go and decided that the string was cut too early so decided to put a band-aid on it?

:o Oh, I know! It's like in the anime shows! Some Death God was bored and decided to bring you all back! Well, a choosen few...in America cuz he happened to be looking down (or up?) at Dallas Jones the moment he got shot...

Hmm...or was it that the Death God just decided to take a break from his tedious job?

Ahhhh...my head! Just blame it on the Microwave theory! >:3

follow_the_white_rabbit said...

I think its just a change in the way we see death.
tommy came back ....…and im happy for you and all but why didn't every one else come back?.i waited and waited for sam to come back but he never did...
Maybe because I believed he would be re-incarnated and we would meet again in the next life time because I thought we where destined to b together.
Tommy how did u see death? How did you die? I hope to find those answers in your blog. what do you think of death now?
i think its like heaven and hell are in re construction and they put down an age requirement..but i dont believe in heaven or hell....so i i guess ...im reading the book as well and it's helping me with my lose...why do they say im sorry for your lose, like if you lost your fav. socks of socks? it dosnt really console you ...i guess its like the word living in-pared...it dosnt do justice.

second chances said...

i have my own theory this is goin to sound sooo cheesy but it sounds good in my head LOVE

basiclly ur last thought goin through ur head when u died was sumthin to do wiv love u mentioned when u died u thought about ur dad savin him instead of urself iv asked all of my db friends and they have confirmed my thoery i think thats why we came back ;)

Anonymous said...

I think you zombies come back because you had someone in the world who loved you too much to let you go, and their love brought you back to 'life', just like love brings you guys even more back to 'life' Go zombies!

Blaine Miaso Inagaki said...

My theory...

Just like how fingernails and hair grow after one dies...perhaps in your (and the other 'zombies') case(s) although your heart stopped beating...the cells didn't just...die, this could cause a dead body to reviatalize itself and become 'alive' or "reanimated"

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this.

-Blaine M.I.

*stars* said...

MY THEORY:

maybe you guys (zombies or living impaired) came back because you weren't ready to die? Like how people see the "light" except you guys' souls stuck around until after you were dead & came back as a zombie? idk i'm too tired too think, it's almost 11 at night :|

-madi =)

sweetkissfromhell said...

my theory:
you just weren't ready to die yet, but waited too long to come back.

mary said...

im still confused is generation dead series real or not? because im confused

JaniGirl said...

I think you zombies should live your "life" now instead of fucusing on how you have this second chance

EmoLuvr2012 said...

Haha the microwave thing is BOSS!! Retards. Anyways, I've heard that apparently "zombies" came back casue God's given them a second chance at life, that they ahve to change something about the world before retermination or they're screwed for the afterlife. That was from omne of my trad friends, I confess, I'm a trad too, but I'm working towards zombie rights ^-^ Good luck, Tommy!

Logan MacDonald said...

I think that those theories are hilarious. Microwavable food? Too funny(and stupid). I think it's weird that only American teens come back, so it made me think. I have a few theories myself. It's not the soil, some people come back BEFORE being buried. Food? Maybe. If you think about it, American teens consume a variety of food over a certain period of time. Tacos from Mexico, spaghetti from Italy, hot dogs from America, the list continues. But the reason I say maybe is because adults have consumed a larger variety of food and don't come back, so that's out. I have a different theory that it's the fact that teens are developing, so hormones. The fact that teens are just starting with hormones and everything, may be the cause, along with the variety of foods, and maybe even our air. Our air is one of the most polluted sections in the world, so that, plus a variety of foods from other locations, plus developing bodies(AKA, growing bodies and hormones) equals zombies(or differently biotic or living impaired. I prefer zombies as well as you zombies).

Anonymous said...

micorowaved food? really that`s all they came up with! PATHIC!!!!!!
i eat micowave food evey day!
Gross Right?

Daniel Waters said...

You can fing out what happened to Sylvia in Generation Dead:Stitches, available in ebook.

Anonymous said...

Micowaved food, man really. I eat that stuff. Does that mean if I die that I'll come back as a zombie awsome.


-KayKat