Saturday, April 26, 2008

Dead Get to Vote, Living Dead Get Nothing

I saw this article in my home state about how lots of truly dead people are apparently voting each election:


Meanwhile, I'm legally prohibited from getting my drivers' license. I can't open a bank account. Most lawmakers and educators outside the Oakvale school district are unclear if I should be allowed to attend classes. I can't even get a library card.

Ok, technically I'm not of legal voting age anyway but this kind of thing really makes me paranoid. I sense the dark hand of conspiracy in this one--for "thousands" of dead people to be voting, there has to be some sort of organized effort to make it happen. I picture a parade of white vans rolling up to the polling booths.

Wouldn't it be ironic if all those dead voters who were the ones keeping the anti-zombie politicians in office?

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Names Will Never Hurt Us

Don’t know what to call your undead neighbor? Not satisfied with any of the following charming and colorful terms: deadhead, corpsicle, worm burger, worm bait, shambler, ole stinky, smelly, hellspawn, pokey, rotter, deadsy, Mr. Squishy, old meat, cold meat, maggot brain, oozer, Scary Mary, Raggy Anne, flaky, Rigor Morty, Frankenstein, stiff, graymeat, carcass, necro, necrophiliac, ubergoth, graver, deader, decomposer?

None of those suit you? Well, how about Cadaver Vivens, which is the suggested new genus/species name for zombiekind. Translated literally, it means “living corpse”.


Would anyone else like to contribute a suggestion? Or is everyone happy with "zombie"?

Monday, April 14, 2008

Dead Man's Best Friend?

Dead Man’s Best Friend
This is great:


Glad to see the scientific community actually working on something useful. I can assure you all, however, that this is not how we were created.

I'm really hoping that Mom will let me get a zombie puppy to replace my cat Gamera, who hates me. I think she is prejudiced against undead people.

Stupid Theory of the Day

Ok, I’m sorry to break the narrative thread here, but I just had to comment on the newest Zombie Creation Theory. Granted, the “scientific” community has already forwarded a number of wonderful theories for our existence, such as:

* mold spores
* hormones and food additives
* heaven being full (okay, that one wasn’t cooked up by a scientist)
* first person shooter games
* syzygy (the straight-line alignment of three or more celestial bodies in a gravitational system) Apparently the Earth, moon, Pluto and of course the sun were all in alignment a week before Dallas Jones went undead. I actually like this theory).
* global warming
* subliminal messages in downloadable mp3s (what?)
* Apocalypse (Not from a scientist either, although the Rev. Nathan Mather sometimes adds “PHD” to his by-line).
* childhood inoculations
* Halle Bopp

And the latest and greatest:

Microwaved food

Yes, friends, I walk the earth because of generations of Williamses before me eating microwaved food. According to Dr. Andrew Coti, the microwave alter foods’ DNA, which in turn altered my grandparents’ DNA, then my parents, then mine, and the cumulative effect of all this DNA altering is that me and my dead pals get to live after death.

You know, it isn’t even that I find this theory implausible (though I do) it’s just that I’m so sick of every lab jockey with a test tube rushing to judgment about us after a half-baked (or half ‘waved, I guess) experiment. Rather than rushing to market with your latest, mostly theoretical science project, why don’t you spend some actual time and brain power trying to figure out what really makes us tick?

I wonder what would happen if we ate microwaved brains?

What are some of the zombie creation theories that you have heard?

Thursday, April 10, 2008


I’m Tommy Williams, thanks for stopping by I’m currently a junior at Oakvale High School. I should be a senior but I stopped going to school for awhile after I died.

I’ve been dead a little over a year now. My mother and I moved to Oakvale after she’d had a discussion with the principal, who told her that Oakvale High was not averse to admitting “living impaired” students. Their term, not mine. Zombie is just aces by me. Most of the other undead kids I’ve met prefer being called zombies, although there are plenty of other fun names to choose from. Yes, I am being sarcastic.

There’s quite a few of us in Oakvale, and some zombies attend school with me. The zombie kids with families are usually the ones that end up in school, I’ve noticed. The ones who were abandoned, or worse, driven from their homes by violent means are the ones that have the most trouble.

I’m going to be writing for those kids in this blog, because they have zero voice in society. No one has figured out why so many American teens are coming back from the dead, but trying to figure out why it is happening is not going to be the main thrust of this blog, unless it is to comment on some of the more absurd theories out there as to why we exist. I’m sure I’ll write about my good pal “Reverend” Nathan Mather, who believes that we zombies are demons, the harbingers of an impending apocalypse. I’ve read his cheery books—he’s got a few out on us—and they sell really well despite being long, hateful tracts filled with speculation, lies and brimstone. Lots and lots of brimstone.

Enough of him for now. There are other people out there that want to help us, and I’ll write about them, too.

But mostly I’ll write about what “life” is like as a zombie. High school was hard enough when all we had to worry about was homework or the condition of our skin. Trying to get along when everyone else is alive and you’re not is just murder sometimes.