That Voodoo That You Do

LATEST ZOMBIE CREATION THEORY: Our country has fallen victim to a voodoo curse placed upon it by a disgruntled witch doctor. Why the witch doctor was disgruntled at us, or how we could go about gruntling him/her and get the curse lifted is unclear.

I swear, people aren't even trying to come up with a realistic explanation any more. It seems more and more the "theories" offered are subtle attempts to demonize us--if we are the result of a voodoo curse, we must be evil. If we are harbingers of the end times, we must be evil, etc.

I was talking to Karen the other day and she said we should just come up with equally crazy theories that make happy fluffy associations in people's minds, instead of the dark/monstrous associations that are being made. As an example, she said that we were created when bee pollen fell onto our bodies from honeybees on their way to pretty flowers. This doesn't make any more or less sense than any of the other wacky ideas out there.

BTW, "gruntling" isn't a word, but I wish it was.

Lame Joke of a Brand New Day

This one isn't quite as offensive as the last.

What does a vegetarian zombie eat?

Lame Joke of the Day

What do you call three zombies in a hot tub?

I Don't Miss Mosquitoes

Or colds, stubbed toes, shaving, or having to get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom.

How about you? What don't you/wouldn't you miss?

I Miss Sleep

Also cheeseburgers, driving, the feel of sunshine on my face, team sports. Among other things.

For the zombies--what do you miss the most about being alive?

For the living--what do you think you would miss the most if you were a zombie?

Happy Mother's Day

Today I just want to take a moment to say thank you to my mother, Faith Williams, for everything she does to support me. I am so, so fortunate to have a mother like Faith, who has stood by me through my death and everything else.

I'm especially thankful because many zombies are disowned by their parents, not allowed to return to their homes or, worse, driven from them. If anything, my death and the death of my father has brought us closer together. Faith is always there for me and I know she always will be.

I love you, Mom.

T

Not Another Cat-Related Post

Today was the first day in three that it wasn't raining, so I went for a walk in the woods behind the trailer park. I don't know how long I was walking; time doesn't mean quite the same thing when you are dead, and we don't fatigue. Eventually I ended up at a lake. I sat down on a fallen tree on the shore and watched the water glitter for awhile.

After sitting awhile--it could have been minutes, it could have been hours--a butterfly alighted on my hand, and then I had two things to watch: the glittering water, and the butterfly poised upon my hand, slowly opening and closing bright wings as though stretching in anticipation of a long journey. The butterfly stayed for a few minutes--or it could have been hours--and then fluttered away out over the lake.

It was a start, I thought.

Cat-tastic

I received an email from Lissa T., a zombie from Cincinnati, Ohio. Lissa wanted to let me know that since she died her cat is her only friend other than her little sister Tracy is her cat Gumball. After she died Lissa was no longer allowed to stay in her family's house, but her parents let her stay in a sheet metal tool shed at the edge of their property. Apparently Gumball likes to visit Lissa on the nights he gets locked outside. She said that in January and February Gumball liked to be wrapped in a blanket and sleep in her lap, but now that it is getting warmer she'd rather play.

So it appears that cats are not inherently prejudiced against zombies. It may well be that Gamera is just a jerk.

All the names in this post are changed except for Gamera's, because "Tracy" would be in major trouble if her parents knew that she was letting "Lissa" in the house to watch TV, use the computer, play Wii, etc. with her when they weren't home.

Gumball was the best I could come up with, sorry.

Does anyone else have any zombie-loving (or hating) animal stories?

Pardonnez-Moi

A few weeks ago in my blog about zombie creation theory ( Stupid Theory of the Day, here). I made a comment about eating microwaved brains. Based on the amount of email I received, and the amount of hassle I received from friend and foe alike, I thought I should write.

I apologize if the “brains” comment offended you. It was just a joke. Yes, I realize that it could be interpreted as perpetuating a negative zombie stereotype. Oh excuuuuse me, a negative living impaired stereotype. I did not mean to offend anyone, least of all my fellow undead brothers and sisters. Well, maybe I did mean to offend someone, namely the “scientists” that seem to be more interested in getting money and publicity than they do in actually helping undead Americans.

But really, people—I think we need to work on developing our sense of humor as much as we work on trying to learn how to talk and walk again. I know what we all go through on a daily basis just trying to exist in a country that for the most part wishes we would just stay dead. I fear that if we lose our sense of humor about our condition, it is only a matter of time before the rest of the country gets their wish.

My Cat Hates Me

I really think my cat Gamera hates me. He rushes out the room whenever I enter, he makes a point of tossing kitty litter all over the floor when he knows I'm the only one home, and he chewed a big hole in one of my favorite basketball sneakers. You can tell me that he is just exhibiting normal feline behavior, by I think the truth is that he is prejudiced against dead people.

Then again, he wasn't overly fond of me when I was alive, either.